Midterms in hell!! How to be a committed and responsible person?

Why do we always fail at commitments?

Pen up, pen down.
Feeling myself,
looking like a clown.
Done nothing so far,
but never deserve a frown.
Com'on do it,
What are you waiting for?

Start now,

Got no time to ignore.

Stop feeling weak,

It ain't gonna get you to shore.

But I can't stop that bad feeling,

Motivation off, can't start dealing.

I hate the universe.

No, Actually the universe hates me, then I hated him back. Com'on!! don't look at me that way I am a sweet young lady with just a tiny issue.

RESPONSIBILITY

Ok, so it's not that tiny but com'on guys it's beyond me and I can't control it. Let's start from when it all begins.

Yesterday was my midterm test, so I should have studied the day before, but apparently the word "should" doesn't belong to my dictionary. I don't know what happened. I knew I had a test, that I must study, I knew this was important. I just lost motivation. I lied back for about 7 hours doing literally

NOTHING!!!.

I just couldn't make myself motivated enough to study, so right now writing this makes me wish that I am one of those kids who might just pee in their pants from fear of exams.

But I am not.

Before judging me I know, I know I am the one to blame. But I am not lazy nor a playful person or I wouldn't spend like an hour writing the article you currently reading but sometimes I feel like I lost the fire in me.
The one that keeps me forward, the boiling will that makes me want to go through fire.
The motivation.

The purpose to do something great.  Sometimes all I want is to eat and lie back and that sucks:(

But what's next? Is that how my life gonna end? Is that why I am here ? Cause now I am worthless. I am being controlled by fear and dispair.

I am filled with rubbish, complete utter bullsh**

Some people try to get my hopes up, others try to sugarcoat the truth, but believe it or not no one can help you but you.

But here I am writing all those amazing motivational words, while still lying on my back with zero regrets.

Yep I am like a messy incoherent ink line in a wide white sheet. 

And along the way, I would keep cussing and turning into a small ball of negativity and indifference.

So, What's next?

Nothing... Cause it's not gonna end.

We are not gonna stop being ugly, rubbish , incomplete and lazy.

We are not gonna stop blaming ourselves for every small ugly detail.

We are not gonna stop falling, failing and crawling.

But we are damn sure stop wishing for perfection.  

  This is who we are. We are meant be.  flawed. It's just being human.

And it's perfectly normal, cause you, my dear friend is perfect in an ugly imperfect way. With every little ugly detail, flaw, ignorence and incoherence come the bigger picture.

Romanesque Architecture :- Abbey Church of the Trinity (11th century) By Ali Khaled 

Look closely. Zoom in. What do you see? 

Anyway, it's past midnight now. So, I think a couple of hours of study is better than nothing at all, ha? 

Wish me luck, 

By the way I found that amazing piece of free hand sketch on Twitter by Ali Khaled you can find the tweet here. And I just couldn't stop thinking how much it is so perfect in an  imperfect way.